Written by: Katie Hamlin
If you are a parent you might recognize this confusing dynamic, at parent teacher conferences you hear glowing reviews about your child, “they are such a pleasure to have in class!”. Yet at home the picture looks completely different. You get to witness the intense meltdowns over homework, tears when a drawing isn’t just “right”, endless hours redoing work or complete avoidance of tasks that feel even slightly challenging. You might be asking yourself, “is this even the same child their teacher is describing? Why can they do so well at school but then fall apart at home?”. The teens and young adults I work with too experience similar feelings. They can thrive in a pressure cooker situation at school or with sports but something small could make them completely crumble and leave them asking themselves, what is wrong with me?
As a child and family therapist I frequently work with children, teens and young adults who experience this exact pattern. They are often highly sensitive, deep feeling, bright kids living with perfectionism, high functioning anxiety, or neurodivergent traits. Rather than trying to push through or accept that things will always be this way, I like to support my clients and parents in understanding what is actually happening beneath the surface and how we can help them find that valve to the pressure cooker.
Children with high-functioning anxiety tend to internalize an immense amount of pressure to never make a mistake. What for others could simply feel like a learning moment, actually feels like a threat to their sense of safety and self worth. They have learned that their personal value is tied to their achievements rather than to who they are inside.
This fear of failure often leads to rigid thinking which can look like task avoidance (refusing to start a project because they aren’t sure they can do it perfectly), perfectionism loops (spending endless amounts of time erasing, redoing and tearing up papers), and then ultimately burnout and stress (masking their ADHD symptoms or anxiety all day at school to keep up appearances then exploding at home when finally enter a safe environment where they can let their guard down).
I often hear the regulated version of kids and parents try to offer themselves or their kids logical reassurance that things will be okay, Just Relax, It doesn’t have to be perfect! However if you have ever tried to tell a screaming 2 year old to just calm down then you likely know that trying to reason with a dysregulated brain and body rarely works.
In our therapy sessions I use a bottoms-up approach integrated with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). I start with regulating the body first (bottom-up approach) because before we can talk through a problem or reframe thoughts, we must calm the body’s physical alarm system. I use somatic tools, heavy work/sensory input, movement, deep pressure, or rhythmic breathing to help the nervous system feel safe and settled before we can begin the work of engaging the brain.
As a therapist I like to work together as a team. Therapy is not about “fixing” your child or changing who they are, rather therapy provides a safe, supportive space for kids to take off the heavy backpack of anxiety, perfectionism, or masking all day. Together we can build emotional resilience, find the right body-based regulation tools, and tackle the pressure to get it all right.