Rise your hand if your children fight (with you, with each other, with friends, etc.). Disagreements are part of being human. We all have different viewpoints and opinions. It’s natural, and even difficult for us, as adults. Once again, we can’t put too much pressure on our kids to behave perfectly in situations where we struggle, but here are some tips from Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson in their book The Whole Brain Child.
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- Tip 1: When your child comes to you because their sister/brother hurt their feelings or called them a name, rather than asking “What did you do to him/her?” remember the Connect and Redirect strategy posted earlier. Try asking questions about the situation, such as “Why do you think he/she said that to you?”, “What was going on when that happened?”, and “How did the conversation go?”, and following up with questions addressing the conflict and how their actions or words may have made the other person feel. This will help decrease defensiveness and open your child’s mind to seeing how the other person feels and creating empathy in them. There is no guarantee that this solution will work every time, but by giving them the opportunity to think about how another person feels and why they reacted as they did, we are helping them gain skills that will allow them to have mature and fulfilling relationships with those around them.
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- Tip 2: We often teach our children to listen to words, “Listen to what they said: they don’t want _____”. This is a great and important part of learning to communicate and build understanding and empathy. But it’s also important to teach our kids about what is being said through body language. This can be a difficult skill for many children, as it takes time and patience to learn. We often hear something along the lines of, “But he/she likes it. We’re playing a game”. Pointing out examples of body language (expressions, drooping shoulders, lowered head, etc.) to our children, we can help them learn to tune in to how others around them are feeling, even if they don’t say the words out loud. This can help avoid future arguments and strengthen relationships.
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- Tip 3: Apologizing may only be the first step at making something right. One of the first things we teach our children is to say they are sorry when they do something that negatively impacts another person. But “I’m sorry” doesn’t always resolve the issue. Sometimes they need to take steps to right whatever they did wrong. They may have to replace or rebuild something that they broke, or they might have to draw an apology picture or note. Through this, we are teaching our children to demonstrate acts of love and remorse to show that they have put thought into repairing the relationship versus just saying “I’m sorry”. Another part of apologizing is understanding that “I’m sorry” is more than just words. They have to remember that their actions or words hurt someone and actively try not to do it again. This helps to put trust behind the apology. Through these actions, the child is learning to communicate that they understand how the other person is feeling and why they are upset. Parents can help this process by asking questions such as, “If it were you and your favorite thing were broken, what would help you feel better?”, this actively plays into Tips 1 and 2. When we break through our children’s defensiveness and reluctance to accept responsibility, we can help them become thoughtful and compassionate individuals who have lasting and thriving relationships. Sometimes a sincere and honest apology does the trick, “I did ____ because I was feeling ____, and I’m sorry. I will try not to do that again”. But it’s necessary for kids to learn what it means to go the extra mile and take specific steps toward reconciliation.
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Written by Emily Brown