The authors of Whole-Brain Child, Siegel M.D. and Bryson Ph.D., bring us more words of wisdom when it comes to raising children as peacefully as possible and teaching them to be well-regulated human beings. They suggest a proactive rather than reactive approach to our children when we see them heading down an emotionally destructive path. Seigel and Bryson tell us that the secret to proactivity is connection. When parents see their children engaging in behaviors that they know will end poorly (ex: yelling, acting aggressively, stomping, aggressive words, etc.), it is their job to intervene. However, the thing to be aware of, as parents, is that some can have a tendency to jump in with their own reactive emotions in those moments.
You are a model to your children. Your reactions show your kids how they should be handling their emotions, so you need to enter the situation with a calm frame of mind. Your approach will be mirrored by your children. If you meet their anger with anger, it results in escalation. They need you to teach and guide from a place of empathy and love. Entering a situation with a calm frame of mind can be hard to do when you hear a raucous coming from the other room or see your kids stomping around the house using upsetting words and tones. You may want to yell, to tell your kids to settle down, or tell them to go to their room until they calm down, etc. But in order to teach your children to be less reactive, you need to show them how.
In a No-Drama Discipline approach, the best way to do that is by connecting with them rather than jumping straight into discipline. Take a moment to step back, get on their level, listen to them, hold them, help them to feel understood, seen, “felt”. When emotions run high it’s hard to think logically and listen to a lecture or a lesson. They can’t hear you when they’re in that frame of mind (none of us can when we are in that state), and then you may get frustrated when they seem to not listen. When you give them your time and your emotional connection, they become less defensive and more calm. When they are ready to hear what you have to say, you can then have an open conversation about what happened and how the situation can be improved in the future. This is where as a parent you have a window of opportunity to influence your child and teach them valuable lessons on relationships and healthy emotional regulation skills. Let them share their version of the story. Ask them for solution suggestions and create a plan together. Give them a space to feel heard and validated in their emotions, even if their behaviors were poorly chosen. It’s the behavior, not the child that’s the problem (and they’re allowed to have emotions). Allowing your children the time to feel that connection and regulate themselves before a full-on tantrum starts can greatly impact how the situation ends.
Being proactive versus reactive can stop the fight before it starts, and encourage personal growth and strengthen family relationships. Even if you are a few moments too late, using this connection approach can lessen the impact of negative consequences. A talk can be much more effective than a general time-out, where they spend the whole time thinking about how “mean” you are versus what they did to end up there. At its core, discipline is not about punishment but about teaching our child what they need to get through the ups and downs of life. Being proactive may not be the only tool in our parenting tool belt that we need, but it is a solid foundation for building discipline practices in the family. We can never fully predict what responses we will get. But we can put forth the effort and let our kiddos know that we are there for them unconditionally, not just when they are happy.
Written by Emily Brown