Discipline Archives - Resilience Therapy

The authors of Whole-Brain Child, Siegel M.D. and Bryson Ph.D., bring us more words of wisdom when it comes to raising children as peacefully as possible and teaching them to be well-regulated human beings. They suggest a proactive rather than reactive approach to our children when we see them heading down an emotionally destructive path. Seigel and Bryson tell us that the secret to proactivity is connection. When parents see their children engaging in behaviors that they know will end poorly (ex: yelling, acting aggressively, stomping, aggressive words, etc.), it is their job to intervene. However, the thing to be aware of, as parents, is that some can have a tendency to jump in with their own reactive emotions in those moments.

You are a model to your children. Your reactions show your kids how they should be handling their emotions, so you need to enter the situation with a calm frame of mind. Your approach will be mirrored by your children. If you meet their anger with anger, it results in escalation. They need you to teach and guide from a place of empathy and love. Entering a situation with a calm frame of mind can be hard to do when you hear a raucous coming from the other room or see your kids stomping around the house using upsetting words and tones. You may want to yell, to tell your kids to settle down, or tell them to go to their room until they calm down, etc. But in order to teach your children to be less reactive, you need to show them how.

In a No-Drama Discipline approach, the best way to do that is by connecting with them rather than jumping straight into discipline. Take a moment to step back, get on their level, listen to them, hold them, help them to feel understood, seen, “felt”. When emotions run high it’s hard to think logically and listen to a lecture or a lesson. They can’t hear you when they’re in that frame of mind (none of us can when we are in that state), and then you may get frustrated when they seem to not listen. When you give them your time and your emotional connection, they become less defensive and more calm. When they are ready to hear what you have to say, you can then have an open conversation about what happened and how the situation can be improved in the future. This is where as a parent you have a window of opportunity to influence your child and teach them valuable lessons on relationships and healthy emotional regulation skills. Let them share their version of the story. Ask them for solution suggestions and create a plan together. Give them a space to feel heard and validated in their emotions, even if their behaviors were poorly chosen. It’s the behavior, not the child that’s the problem (and they’re allowed to have emotions). Allowing your children the time to feel that connection and regulate themselves before a full-on tantrum starts can greatly impact how the situation ends.

Being proactive versus reactive can stop the fight before it starts, and encourage personal growth and strengthen family relationships. Even if you are a few moments too late, using this connection approach can lessen the impact of negative consequences. A talk can be much more effective than a general time-out, where they spend the whole time thinking about how “mean” you are versus what they did to end up there. At its core, discipline is not about punishment but about teaching our child what they need to get through the ups and downs of life. Being proactive may not be the only tool in our parenting tool belt that we need, but it is a solid foundation for building discipline practices in the family. We can never fully predict what responses we will get. But we can put forth the effort and let our kiddos know that we are there for them unconditionally, not just when they are happy.

Written by Emily Brown

Let’s run this scenario. You are sitting down relaxing by the pool and enjoying your summer as your child enjoys a picnic with their cousins. All of a sudden you hear screaming and sounds of hitting coming from your child. You begin to get upset and assume you already know what is happening when your child comes to you shouting and crying. You begin to tense up because you are seeing that not only was there screaming and hitting involved, but the picnic lunch you made for your child and their cousins is all over the grass (the grass that you mowed and cleaned yesterday). There is peanut butter and jelly all over the place, sticky juice is all over the picnic blanket, and there is a mess of crushed chips on the floor. PURE CHAOS! Ladies and gentlemen, As Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson describe in “No-Drama Discipline”, please cue the jaws theme song. Let’s take a moment to reflect, do we really need to have that soundtrack playing or can we turn it down to assess the situation?

Parents, it is so common that we often assume we know and approach a situation in a one-size fits all manner, but what if we approached each situation in a different and a less fear-based manner? In, “No-Drama Discipline”, Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson discuss 3 important components in order to muffle or silence the shark music. The first component includes reflection. We are all human, and we get upset. This is completely normal. We want to make sure we acknowledge our feelings, and also reflect on what we know about the situation. We then want to use response flexibility. What does response flexibility mean? It means being intentional and understanding why the situation may have happened. You might make a mental note of the scene itself and possible emotions that may have played a part in the situation. Instead of bringing out your shark teeth and chasing the “bate”, we need to chase the why’s. Curiosity, especially when not knowing what actually happened, is the ideal route to take. When we do this, we can now move on to the 3rd component. This would be connecting with your child during a distressing moment.

Let’s replay the scene above using the 3 components described by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson. Cue the play back: You are sitting down relaxing by the pool and enjoying your summer as your child enjoys a picnic with their cousins. All of a sudden you hear screaming and sounds of hitting coming from your child. You look over in their direction and begin to notice a few things. There was hitting, throwing, and screaming involved from your child. The picnic lunch you made for your child and their cousins is all over the grass (the grass that you mowed and cleaned yesterday). There is peanut butter and jelly all over the place, sticky juice is all over the picnic blanket, and there is a mess of crushed chips on the floor. PAUSE. You take a moment to acknowledge the scene and the mess. You allow yourself to feel angry and take a deep breath. You begin to wonder and become curious why your child is experiencing such distress. Upon assessing the scene, you see 3 cousins laughing and pointing to your child. And you begin to see your child is feeling upset but are not sure why. You walk over calmly to your child, get on one knee and say, “my, this is quite a mess. I see you are upset. May I give you a hug?” Your child reaches over to you and gives you a great big hug. Your child later tells you that they felt excluded and reacted by throwing, screaming and hitting. You are now connecting with your child. You listen to them and acknowledge their feelings. After, you might problem solve with them or explore alternative behaviors without shaming them. You have bonded with them and have made them feel safe and heard. You then pick up the mess together. Connecting is so important. We do not want to turn away from chaos, but we want the end goal to be connection. Parents, this is a scenario, and your real-life situation may perhaps be greatly different. We encourage you to attempt this approach. Remember parents, it is not an easy journey, but you’ve got this!

Written by Celina Peña, LAC

No-Drama Discipline: Proactivity Vs. Reactivity: Emotional Regulation Begins with the Parent

Three Parenting Steps to Manage Difficult Behaviors