Let’s run this scenario. You are sitting down relaxing by the pool and enjoying your summer as your child enjoys a picnic with their cousins. All of a sudden you hear screaming and sounds of hitting coming from your child. You begin to get upset and assume you already know what is happening when your child comes to you shouting and crying. You begin to tense up because you are seeing that not only was there screaming and hitting involved, but the picnic lunch you made for your child and their cousins is all over the grass (the grass that you mowed and cleaned yesterday). There is peanut butter and jelly all over the place, sticky juice is all over the picnic blanket, and there is a mess of crushed chips on the floor. PURE CHAOS! Ladies and gentlemen, As Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson describe in “No-Drama Discipline”, please cue the jaws theme song. Let’s take a moment to reflect, do we really need to have that soundtrack playing or can we turn it down to assess the situation?
Parents, it is so common that we often assume we know and approach a situation in a one-size fits all manner, but what if we approached each situation in a different and a less fear-based manner? In, “No-Drama Discipline”, Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson discuss 3 important components in order to muffle or silence the shark music. The first component includes reflection. We are all human, and we get upset. This is completely normal. We want to make sure we acknowledge our feelings, and also reflect on what we know about the situation. We then want to use response flexibility. What does response flexibility mean? It means being intentional and understanding why the situation may have happened. You might make a mental note of the scene itself and possible emotions that may have played a part in the situation. Instead of bringing out your shark teeth and chasing the “bate”, we need to chase the why’s. Curiosity, especially when not knowing what actually happened, is the ideal route to take. When we do this, we can now move on to the 3rd component. This would be connecting with your child during a distressing moment.
Let’s replay the scene above using the 3 components described by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson. Cue the play back: You are sitting down relaxing by the pool and enjoying your summer as your child enjoys a picnic with their cousins. All of a sudden you hear screaming and sounds of hitting coming from your child. You look over in their direction and begin to notice a few things. There was hitting, throwing, and screaming involved from your child. The picnic lunch you made for your child and their cousins is all over the grass (the grass that you mowed and cleaned yesterday). There is peanut butter and jelly all over the place, sticky juice is all over the picnic blanket, and there is a mess of crushed chips on the floor. PAUSE. You take a moment to acknowledge the scene and the mess. You allow yourself to feel angry and take a deep breath. You begin to wonder and become curious why your child is experiencing such distress. Upon assessing the scene, you see 3 cousins laughing and pointing to your child. And you begin to see your child is feeling upset but are not sure why. You walk over calmly to your child, get on one knee and say, “my, this is quite a mess. I see you are upset. May I give you a hug?” Your child reaches over to you and gives you a great big hug. Your child later tells you that they felt excluded and reacted by throwing, screaming and hitting. You are now connecting with your child. You listen to them and acknowledge their feelings. After, you might problem solve with them or explore alternative behaviors without shaming them. You have bonded with them and have made them feel safe and heard. You then pick up the mess together. Connecting is so important. We do not want to turn away from chaos, but we want the end goal to be connection. Parents, this is a scenario, and your real-life situation may perhaps be greatly different. We encourage you to attempt this approach. Remember parents, it is not an easy journey, but you’ve got this!
Written by Celina Peña, LAC