Tag: Managing Behaviors

Three Parenting Steps to Manage Difficult Behaviors

Posted on by Susie Munsey

 

 

 

Let’s run this scenario. You are sitting down relaxing by the pool and enjoying your summer as your child enjoys a picnic with their cousins. All of a sudden you hear screaming and sounds of hitting coming from your child. You begin to get upset and assume you already know what is happening when your child comes to you shouting and crying. You begin to tense up because you are seeing that not only was there screaming and hitting involved, but the picnic lunch you made for your child and their cousins is all over the grass (the grass that you mowed and cleaned yesterday). There is peanut butter and jelly all over the place, sticky juice is all over the picnic blanket, and there is a mess of crushed chips on the floor. PURE CHAOS! Ladies and gentlemen, As  Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson describe in “No-Drama Discipline”, please cue the jaws theme song. Let’s take a moment to reflect, do we really need to have that soundtrack playing or can we turn it down to assess the situation?

Parents, it is so common that we often assume we know and approach a situation in a one-size fits all manner, but what if we approached each situation in a different and a less fear-based manner? In, “No-Drama Discipline”, Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson discuss 3 important components in order to muffle or silence the shark music. The first component includes reflection. We are all human, and we get upset. This is completely normal. We want to make sure we acknowledge our feelings, and also reflect on what we know about the situation.  We then want to use response flexibility. What does response flexibility mean? It means being intentional and understanding why the situation may have happened. You might make a mental note of the scene itself and possible emotions that may have played a part in the situation. Instead of bringing out your shark teeth and chasing the “bate”, we need to chase the why’s. Curiosity, especially when not knowing what actually happened, is the ideal route to take. When we do this, we can now move on to the 3rd component. This would be connecting with your child during a distressing moment.

Let’s replay the scene above using the 3 components described by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson. Cue the play back: You are sitting down relaxing by the pool and enjoying your summer as your child enjoys a picnic with their cousins. All of a sudden you hear screaming and sounds of hitting coming from your child. You look over in their direction and begin to notice a few things. There was hitting, throwing, and screaming involved from your child. The picnic lunch you made for your child and their cousins is all over the grass (the grass that you mowed and cleaned yesterday). There is peanut butter and jelly all over the place, sticky juice is all over the picnic blanket, and there is a mess of crushed chips on the floor. PAUSE. You take a moment to acknowledge the scene and the mess. You allow yourself to feel angry and take a deep breath. You begin to wonder and become curious why your child is experiencing such distress. Upon assessing the scene, you see 3 cousins laughing and pointing to your child. And you begin to see your child is feeling upset but are not sure why. You walk over calmly to your child, get on one knee and say, “my, this is quite a mess. I see you are upset. May I give you a hug?” Your child reaches over to you and gives you a great big hug. Your child later tells you that they felt excluded and reacted by throwing, screaming and hitting. You are now connecting with your child. You listen to them and acknowledge their feelings. After, you might problem solve with them or explore alternative behaviors without shaming them. You have bonded with them and have made them feel safe and heard. You then pick up the mess together. Connecting is so important. We do not want to turn away from chaos, but we want the end goal to be connection. Parents, this is a scenario, and your real-life situation may perhaps be greatly different. We encourage you to attempt this approach. Remember parents, it is not an easy journey, but you’ve got this! 

Written by Celina Peña, LAC

 

Connecting and Redirecting

Posted on by Susie Munsey

 

Every parent has likely had the struggle of attempting to rationalize with their irrational child. Be it over wanting to wear Superman pajamas vs Batman pajamas to bed, wanting to eat dessert before dinner, why they can’t crawl around on the ceiling like Spiderman, or something else. When children get upset, they tend to lose all reason and just want what they want. As parents, this can get frustrating. Many end up falling into the trap of losing their patience and using terms like, “Because I said so”, “Why don’t you understand ____? We’ve gone over this”. Often this leads to bigger arguments, tears, and an unhappy household.

In the Whole Brain Child book, Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson give some strategies on how to take these situations and turn them into calm, learning moments that promote bonding and understanding. The Connect and Redirect strategy is to first remember that we were taught logic over time, it is not our brain’s natural response to our feelings and frustrations. Even as adults we struggle to add logic to our big emotions, so imagine how difficult that is for our children who are still learning to even put words to those big feelings. It may seem counterintuitive, but trying to rationalize with them using logic isn’t the best approach.

Instead, try meeting them where they are at: Get down to their eye level, use a calm voice and body language, engage empathetically, listen non-judgmentally, and take their problems as seriously as they are. When we approach our emotional children with emotion, it lets them know that we are hearing them and are taking the time to consider what they are saying versus feeling brushed off and sent back to bed. In this state, they are only using their emotional right-side brain. When we connect with their right brain, using our right brain, it helps to bring them back into balance. Then, once they are calm again, we can introduce left-brain logic and redirect.

Here they can take the time to learn how to problem solve and make a plan to ease their worries or frustrations. This may not always work, as sometimes their emotional storm is too far gone and just needs time to pass before introducing the Connect and Redirect strategy, but remember, it’s never okay for them to harm others, themselves, or property when they are experiencing these right brain emotional floods. They still need to be safe, and your rules and boundaries still deserve to be respected.

 

Written by Emily Brown