Tag: Parenting

Embracing Love and Logic, A Parenting Strategy

Posted on by Susie Munsey

 

 

Embracing Love and Logic, A Parenting Strategy

By Elizabeth Scott 

 

            Parents these days are facing more challenges than ever before.  Children are being formally assessed and tested in school more often and from a younger age, with greater academic demands placed upon them.  Children as young as preschool age are asked to complete homework in order to prepare for the rigor of subsequent school grades.  In addition, so many children these days are involved in so many activities outside of school that they are drained of time, energy, and emotional resources.  They have little time for free time or down time.  All of these obstacles make it difficult for children to foster a strong sense of inner self as well as develop resiliency and flexibility.  Parents are faced with the need for tools to engage with their children in a trusting way while still maintaining a sense of structure and balance.

            The Love and Logic Solution is an ideal way to achieve this happy medium because it promotes empathy, love and understanding within a concrete framework.  Children are given choices and adults are able to use discipline as a teaching tool rather than a punishment.  Children learn how to problem solve and find their own voice.

            The Love and Logic Solution encourages parents to embrace one particular phrase that can become their repeated anthem.  These choice words like “this is so hard” allows children to be heard and seen, reinforcing their feelings and frustrations.  In addition, the way parents choose to speak to their children can be slightly altered using a love and logic technique in order to practice more open and productive communication.  For example, instead of making demands like ordering a child to clean their room, a parent can simply let the child know that they are welcome to join the rest of the family once their room is clean, maybe for a treat like dessert.  Small changes add up to bigger changes when it comes to the way language is conveyed and communicated.

            Ultimately parents desire for their children to grow into confident, happy, independent adults who have life skills.  This goal does not happen overnight but instead grows through years of practice and nourishment of the inner self.  The Love and Logic Solution requires a consistent approach on the part of parents but can have long-lasting benefits for children and families. 

To learn more about applying Love and Logic in your home, reach out to our clinicians or sign up for our waitlist.

Encouraging Children to Attend Counseling

Posted on by Susie Munsey

 

 

When children are resistant to counseling, it can be frustrating. You, as the parent, want them to be happy and healthy, and to be able to process their emotions in healthy ways as they grow and experience new life experiences. You feel that counseling will be able to offer them tools and techniques that will help them tackle the trials they are facing. But, they say they say they don’t want to and continue to refuse no matter what you say. This is a completely natural response. It can seem like an intimidating thing to do. Talking to a stranger about your feelings is hard and initially can feel scary. A child refusing to go to therapy, may not be ready to engage in counseling presently, that is normal and ok, but there are a few more things you may decide to explore before moving on. 

Have an open-minded and empathy-filled conversation with your child when they (and you)  are in a calm and open mood. Many kids worry that the reason that their parents want them to go to counseling is because, “I am bad” or “something is wrong with me”. Right off the bat, normalize therapy, by explaining how it is similar to having a doctor to help our bodies. Most people go to the doctor to check up on, get help with and learn about their body. Connect this to how every human also has emotions, thoughts and behaviors and we also all need support with learning about and getting help with our emotional well-being. We don’t go to therapy because “something is wrong with us”. We go to therapy because we are human and we need a team of support to help us through the challenges of life. At Resilience Therapy, we take a strengths-based approach to working with children, youth and families. Throughout therapy the child will learn about and discover their own unique strengths and how those can be built upon to meet their goals and help that child or teen see just how resilient they truly are. 

When kids refuse to go to counseling a parent wonders, “why?”. Sometimes kids can’t exactly express their “why” for the choices they make or the things they say or do. Start with validating their emotions and possible hesitation. Then, rather than asking them “why”, see if you can have them talk about what their thoughts and feelings are surrounding the idea of counseling. What are the pros and cons of going? What do they think will happen if they go? Sometimes giving the example of your “why” can help kids find their own. Do they know why you want them to try counseling (i.e. share your hopes for ways they could feel better or understand themselves better, to learn about mental health together)? Better yet, try to help them uncover why they may want to go to counseling for themselves ( i.e. what goals do they have for their emotions and where could they see themselves benefiting from support). Helping them see their own desire or reasons to engage in counseling will increase their motivation to not only go but to be an active participant.  Perhaps, through these exploratory discussions, they can give you some insight into their world and what is making them reluctant or what they would find beneficial to work on. You may choose to empower them so that they can work on whatever they would find beneficial and create their own goals for therapy, as a nice starting point. From there, the child, parent and therapist can collaborate on a plan. Once you understand their worries and needs, you can address their concerns with facts about the experience that reduces their fears, helpful explanations that increase their understanding and problem solving together to make it a good and beneficial experience for them.

At Resilience Therapy, we love to engage children and youth in fun and creative ways. We often use crafts, games, activities, music and rewards to help children learn about and process their thoughts, emotions and behaviors. We also have fidget toys for the youth to play with while we talk. We find this brings a lot of joy and comfort to the kids we work with. 

We make every effort to help the child and teen feel heard, understood, appreciated, and cared for. They will never be forced to do or say anything in our counseling sessions. This is a non-judgemental and safe space for them, so we will do our best to make sure they feel at ease. We operate under the idea that no client cares what we know until they know that we care, so we always make sure that the first thing we communicate in therapy is the fact that we, as therapists, care about each child, their health and success in accomplishing their goals. We believe the number one success of therapy is the relationship that is developed between the therapist, client and family. We take the time, care and intentionality needed to build an individualized relationship that meets the unique needs of each child.

 

No-Drama Discipline: Proactivity Vs. Reactivity: Emotional Regulation Begins with the Parent

Posted on by Susie Munsey

 

 

The authors of Whole-Brain Child, Siegel M.D. and Bryson Ph.D., bring us more words of wisdom when it comes to raising children as peacefully as possible and teaching them to be well-regulated human beings. They suggest a proactive rather than reactive approach to our children when we see them heading down an emotionally destructive path. Seigel and Bryson tell us that the secret to proactivity is connection. When parents see their children engaging in behaviors that they know will end poorly (ex: yelling, acting aggressively, stomping, aggressive words, etc.), it is their job to intervene. However, the thing to be aware of, as parents, is that some can have a tendency to jump in with their own reactive emotions in those moments. 

You are a model to your children. Your reactions show your kids how they should be handling their emotions, so you need to enter the situation with a calm frame of mind. Your approach will be mirrored by your children.  If you meet their anger with anger, it results in escalation.  They need you to teach and guide from a place of empathy and love.  Entering a situation with a calm frame of mind can be hard to do when you hear a raucous coming from the other room or see your kids stomping around the house using upsetting words and tones. You may want to yell, to tell your kids to settle down, or tell them to go to their room until they calm down, etc. But in order to teach your children to be less reactive, you need to show them how.

In a No-Drama Discipline approach, the best way to do that is by connecting with them rather than jumping straight into discipline. Take a moment to step back, get on their level, listen to them, hold them, help them to feel understood, seen, “felt”. When emotions run high it’s hard to think logically and listen to a lecture or a lesson. They can’t hear you when they’re in that frame of mind (none of us can when we are in that state), and then you may get frustrated when they seem to not listen. When you give them your time and your emotional connection, they become less defensive and more calm. When they are ready to hear what you have to say, you can then have an open conversation about what happened and how the situation can be improved in the future. This is where as a parent you have a window of opportunity to influence your child and teach them valuable lessons on relationships and healthy emotional regulation skills. Let them share their version of the story. Ask them for solution suggestions and create a plan together. Give them a space to feel heard and validated in their emotions, even if their behaviors were poorly chosen. It’s the behavior, not the child that’s the problem (and they’re allowed to have emotions). Allowing your children the time to feel that connection and regulate themselves before a full-on tantrum starts can greatly impact how the situation ends. 

Being proactive versus reactive can stop the fight before it starts, and encourage personal growth and strengthen family relationships. Even if you are a few moments too late, using this connection approach can lessen the impact of negative consequences. A talk can be much more effective than a general time-out, where they spend the whole time thinking about how “mean” you are versus what they did to end up there. At its core, discipline is not about punishment but about teaching our child what they need to get through the ups and downs of life. Being proactive may not be the only tool in our parenting tool belt that we need, but it is a solid foundation for building discipline practices in the family. We can never fully predict what responses we will get. But we can put forth the effort and let our kiddos know that we are there for them unconditionally, not just when they are happy.

Written by Emily Brown

 

Three Parenting Steps to Manage Difficult Behaviors

Posted on by Susie Munsey

 

 

 

Let’s run this scenario. You are sitting down relaxing by the pool and enjoying your summer as your child enjoys a picnic with their cousins. All of a sudden you hear screaming and sounds of hitting coming from your child. You begin to get upset and assume you already know what is happening when your child comes to you shouting and crying. You begin to tense up because you are seeing that not only was there screaming and hitting involved, but the picnic lunch you made for your child and their cousins is all over the grass (the grass that you mowed and cleaned yesterday). There is peanut butter and jelly all over the place, sticky juice is all over the picnic blanket, and there is a mess of crushed chips on the floor. PURE CHAOS! Ladies and gentlemen, As  Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson describe in “No-Drama Discipline”, please cue the jaws theme song. Let’s take a moment to reflect, do we really need to have that soundtrack playing or can we turn it down to assess the situation?

Parents, it is so common that we often assume we know and approach a situation in a one-size fits all manner, but what if we approached each situation in a different and a less fear-based manner? In, “No-Drama Discipline”, Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson discuss 3 important components in order to muffle or silence the shark music. The first component includes reflection. We are all human, and we get upset. This is completely normal. We want to make sure we acknowledge our feelings, and also reflect on what we know about the situation.  We then want to use response flexibility. What does response flexibility mean? It means being intentional and understanding why the situation may have happened. You might make a mental note of the scene itself and possible emotions that may have played a part in the situation. Instead of bringing out your shark teeth and chasing the “bate”, we need to chase the why’s. Curiosity, especially when not knowing what actually happened, is the ideal route to take. When we do this, we can now move on to the 3rd component. This would be connecting with your child during a distressing moment.

Let’s replay the scene above using the 3 components described by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson. Cue the play back: You are sitting down relaxing by the pool and enjoying your summer as your child enjoys a picnic with their cousins. All of a sudden you hear screaming and sounds of hitting coming from your child. You look over in their direction and begin to notice a few things. There was hitting, throwing, and screaming involved from your child. The picnic lunch you made for your child and their cousins is all over the grass (the grass that you mowed and cleaned yesterday). There is peanut butter and jelly all over the place, sticky juice is all over the picnic blanket, and there is a mess of crushed chips on the floor. PAUSE. You take a moment to acknowledge the scene and the mess. You allow yourself to feel angry and take a deep breath. You begin to wonder and become curious why your child is experiencing such distress. Upon assessing the scene, you see 3 cousins laughing and pointing to your child. And you begin to see your child is feeling upset but are not sure why. You walk over calmly to your child, get on one knee and say, “my, this is quite a mess. I see you are upset. May I give you a hug?” Your child reaches over to you and gives you a great big hug. Your child later tells you that they felt excluded and reacted by throwing, screaming and hitting. You are now connecting with your child. You listen to them and acknowledge their feelings. After, you might problem solve with them or explore alternative behaviors without shaming them. You have bonded with them and have made them feel safe and heard. You then pick up the mess together. Connecting is so important. We do not want to turn away from chaos, but we want the end goal to be connection. Parents, this is a scenario, and your real-life situation may perhaps be greatly different. We encourage you to attempt this approach. Remember parents, it is not an easy journey, but you’ve got this! 

Written by Celina Peña, LAC

 

The Gift of Downtime

Posted on by Susie Munsey

 

 

Here is some good news kids, “Summer vacation is approaching!” Parents, here is some bad news…”Summer vacation is approaching…”

Is the arrival of summer so bad? Why do parents find this time stressful? Children can answer that question with one simple statement, “I am bored.” Does boredom lead to cognitive decline? In short, not necessarily, especially depending on how the downtime is used. While keeping children busy with extracurricular activities and screen time could be helpful and a great learning experience, it is also important to provide some downtime. Balance is the key to this thought process.

In, “The Yes Brain” by Daniel J. Siegal M.D., and Tina Payne Bryson, providing children with a balanced life through imaginative play can lead to discovery and exploration, along with learning about interests and disinterests. Through play, children learn and build upon planning and predicting, consequences, and cognitive skills. Not only does play enhance such aspects, but it also provides children a space to practice being social and learning emotional regulation.

Parents, you have so much going on in your lives. Doesn’t it feel good now and again to reset? The same can be said about children. During summer break, children can spend time with family and friends, leading to socializing and creating connections.

Children can also catch up on sleep, which is another huge aspect of development. It is said within The Yes Brain book, that age and development play a huge role in how many hours of sleep (including naps) are needed for each age range. To put sleep hours into a visual perspective, Daniel J. Siegal M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson share The American Academy of Sleep Medicine results, which are endorsed by The American Academy of Pediatrics. Let’s take a look at what is being recommended:

Ages 4-12 months= 12-16 hours of sleep (including naps)

Ages 1-2 years old= 11-14 hours of sleep (including naps)

Ages 3-5 years old= 10-13 hours of sleep (including naps)

Ages 6-12 years old= 9-12 hours of sleep

Ages 13-18 years old= 8-10 hours of sleep

I ask all parents to ponder upon these numbers. Are your children getting enough sleep? Sleep is a crucial component of the well-being of a child. Summertime can be the perfect time to catch up and create healthy sleep patterns for the upcoming school year.

As Daniel J. Siegal M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson explain, downtime is different from planned extra-curricular time. Typically, extra-curricular time involves activities such as soccer, dance, baseball, chess practice, etc. These types of activities are not to be discouraged but should be balanced with rest and self-exploration. Television, video games, and screen time…what is the deal with those? Again, the main consideration to keep in mind is a balanced lifestyle. One that can provide children with time to rest, explore, and be involved in the social aspects of the community.

Sleep, rest, and free play during summer, how many of you are in? But what should you do when your child comes up to you and says, “I am bored”? The answer is not a simple one parents, but providing space for your child to use their imagination can be the start. Allow them to explore the yard and play in the mud. This will engage the right side of their brain. This will help them build those core memories. Give them some tools to engage in a different and unique play where they can create their scenarios. Parents, while this information may be helpful it may not always be perfect and that is okay. Give it a try though. You never know, you might also be cheering hooray for the summer! Hooray for downtime! Regardless, you’ve got this parents!

To get some ideas, check these links out:

STEM Resources for Parents | National Inventors Hall of Fame®

100 Summer Fun Ideas for Kids and Parents

Free Summer Bucket List for Teens Printable Checklist (temeculablogs.com)

10 Cool Activities with Ice to Kickstart the Summer – Happy Tot Shelf

Check out “The Yes Brain” for more:

The Yes Brain: How to Cultivate Courage, Curiosity, and Resilience in Your Child: Siegel, Daniel J., Bryson, Tina Payne: 9780399594663: Amazon.com: Books

Written by Celina Peña

Connecting and Redirecting

Posted on by Susie Munsey

 

Every parent has likely had the struggle of attempting to rationalize with their irrational child. Be it over wanting to wear Superman pajamas vs Batman pajamas to bed, wanting to eat dessert before dinner, why they can’t crawl around on the ceiling like Spiderman, or something else. When children get upset, they tend to lose all reason and just want what they want. As parents, this can get frustrating. Many end up falling into the trap of losing their patience and using terms like, “Because I said so”, “Why don’t you understand ____? We’ve gone over this”. Often this leads to bigger arguments, tears, and an unhappy household.

In the Whole Brain Child book, Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson give some strategies on how to take these situations and turn them into calm, learning moments that promote bonding and understanding. The Connect and Redirect strategy is to first remember that we were taught logic over time, it is not our brain’s natural response to our feelings and frustrations. Even as adults we struggle to add logic to our big emotions, so imagine how difficult that is for our children who are still learning to even put words to those big feelings. It may seem counterintuitive, but trying to rationalize with them using logic isn’t the best approach.

Instead, try meeting them where they are at: Get down to their eye level, use a calm voice and body language, engage empathetically, listen non-judgmentally, and take their problems as seriously as they are. When we approach our emotional children with emotion, it lets them know that we are hearing them and are taking the time to consider what they are saying versus feeling brushed off and sent back to bed. In this state, they are only using their emotional right-side brain. When we connect with their right brain, using our right brain, it helps to bring them back into balance. Then, once they are calm again, we can introduce left-brain logic and redirect.

Here they can take the time to learn how to problem solve and make a plan to ease their worries or frustrations. This may not always work, as sometimes their emotional storm is too far gone and just needs time to pass before introducing the Connect and Redirect strategy, but remember, it’s never okay for them to harm others, themselves, or property when they are experiencing these right brain emotional floods. They still need to be safe, and your rules and boundaries still deserve to be respected.

 

Written by Emily Brown

The Joy and Power of Group Therapy

Posted on by Susie Munsey

As the mental health needs of our world rise and the stigma around mental illness falls, more and more people are becoming aware of the power of mental health therapy. Therapy is a beautiful opportunity to explore challenges and reshape our views of ourselves and our world.

And while the number of people seeking individual therapy continues to grow, most people have yet to discover the joy and power of group therapy. 

Group therapy is a place, like individual therapy, for someone to explore their thoughts and feelings in a safe and supportive environment – but it carries several unique advantages. 

Unlike individual therapy, group therapy gives everyone an opportunity to connect with other people living through similar experiences. Suddenly, the task of overcoming a particular difficult challenge is a group effort, with multiple others supporting each other through it. What used to be a person’s deepest burden held in isolation is now held in love with other caring hearts. The more we support and share with one another, the more we form strong bonds to withstand the many trials of life.

In addition, group therapy can be a cost effective way to remain connected with quality mental health services. Most group therapy services are less than half the price of an individual session, and for many, this represents something that can be maintained for more extended periods of time. It allows for continued connection and exposure to the practices that lead to abiding mental health – and this can make a huge impact over the course of a lifetime. Maintaining long term exposure to life changing truths is – well, life changing!

Also, group therapy can be an excellent supplement to individual therapy, as it can normalize many of the difficulties we experience. Once we realize we are not alone, and perhaps begin to see other people succeed as they work through similar issues, we can take courage in facing our own challenges. Sometimes all it takes is a change in perspective and a few others encouraging you along the way.

Finally, group therapy gives everyone the opportunity to be a healer, not just a patient. As we each create space for the difficulties of those around us, we are giving hope and healing to those who need it most. Group therapy can be wildly fulfilling in this way – allowing us all to walk away feeling like we are part of something bigger than ourselves. And sometimes, when we care deeply enough about others to serve them, we discover our own answers along the way.

Please reach out to us today to get connected in our therapy groups!

 

Written by Hunter Wilson

Keeping Memories Alive

Posted on by Susie Munsey

 

 

 

Keeping memories alive, especially for our children can help us move toward healing in our grief. Many children share that they are fearful that they will forget their memories with their special person who died. They worry about forgetting some of the little things about their special person like their laugh or how they smell. Some children who are very young may not have any memories but storytelling through anecdotes, watching videos, and looking at photographs of their special person can help them “get to know” their special person and help them feel more connected.

Taking time to talk as a family about special memories each person in the family has with their special person can keep these precious memories fresh in our hearts and minds. Bringing out photo albums, scrapbooks, the special person’s belongings, going through pictures on your phone or computer, and watching home movies can help spark that conversation as well as help the children picture the memories in their minds.

Additionally, writing out stories and memories can help us remember the finest details for years to come. As a family, work on writing a story about your special person that is filled with memories, funny stories, and the little details of your special person that you never want to forget. You may also decide to make a memory box and fill it with your special persons’ favorite things, their scent, clothing items, pictures, music and anything else that would help bring their memory to life. It may be helpful to plan a particular time and place that you and your family will have these “memory moments”. This intentionality of setting aside time can help ensure this takes place in the whirlwind and busyness of life.

Book Resources for Parents

Posted on by Susie Munsey

Raising kids can be hard. We all need a team of support in our community and resources to help us as parents. We are here to support you and your child through our therapy services. In addition, books are a great parenting resource and we wanted to share some great ones that we often recommend to parents. If you chose to purchase one of the items featured in this post, we may receive a small commission for it.

 

Book on Emotion Regulation 

 

 

Children’s Books for Feelings Identification

 

 

Children’s Books to help with Separation Anxiety

 

 

 

Book to help with Positive Self Talk and Resilience

 

 

Self Compassion/ Mindfulness

 

 

OCD

 

General Anxiety

 

 

Personal Safety Skills

 

 

Child Grief

 

Adult Grief

 

 

Books on Parenting

 

 

Books on Divorce