Tag: Discipline

The Love and Logic a Parenting Guide 

Posted on by Susie Munsey

 

 

What if your child said, “well, if you guys don’t love me enough to give me more allowance, I’ll just have to start selling drugs!” (Fay, n.d.). These can be typical dialogues kids often engage with parents, encouraging a reactive response and power struggle when feeling conflicted, angry or frustrated. As individuals we all have multiple emotions, for kids it can be hard in situations to utilize the logical part of the brain, known as the prefrontal cortex. Kids often confront situations with their emotions using the lower part of the brain, called the amygdala. Children/teens just need a little more help regulating those emotions. 

 

Children should feel supported and loved in order to succeed as adults later in life. However, parents should seek to promote the self-determination and confidence of their kids; through the child’s own struggle and achievement of their choices. Enabling children to do what they want is not helping, but rather encouraging bad behavior. By guiding kids to make the right choices, parents can feel confident in their child’s ability to understand their behavior and actions. The Love and Logic technique teaches parents and care takers how to approach these kinds of situations through the lens of empathy. Jim Fey, one of the founders of the Parenting with Love and Logic philosophy states that through love, empathy, understanding and accountability of both parents and children, kids can begin to comprehend how to make the right choices, looking at the bigger picture of their consequences. Empathy can foster responsibility within the child and also restrict resentment towards the parent, the authoritative figure. 

 

When a child becomes conflicted with anger, the parent can respond in simple empathetic phrases that fit their culture and style, such as:

 

“What a bummer”

“That is a tricky situation”

“That’s so hard”

 

These phrases can be short and sweet. Demonstrating non-verbal cues can also help the child decode nonverbal messages like, nodding or a serious face expression. These two techniques incorporated as one can make it efficient for the child to back down from the argument and see the genuineness and love of the parent towards the child. The Love and Logic solution suggests for parents to take a firm stance, engaging with the child in a nonthreatening way without anger. It also recommends using enforceable statements like, “are you going to wash the dishes or take out the trash?,” or “are you going to stop, or do you want to come back in 10 mins once you’re sweet?.” Coming up with direct choices helps the child have limits to their actions and strengthen executive functioning skills. Parents can also engage in delayed consequences such as, “Bummer, I am going to have to think about it for a bit…but try not to worry about it.” The “try not to think about it” portion of the statement provides the child with an anticipatory consequence because it puts the child in a position of now having to think of the consequences. If the child continues with the poor behavior, parents should remain consistent, it’s tough, but it helps the child see that as a parent you are being serious and are not backing down. It’s a collaborative process that allows both parent and child to learn from the situation.

 

Written by, Jessica Barrera Castro LMSW

Book Series Reflection

Posted on by Susie Munsey

The Whole-Brain Child

 

Our awesome team member, Elizabeth Scott, read three books by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson and has shared her thoughts on each book! We highly recommend these books for parents, caregivers and adults working with children. We hope you enjoy and learn from these books as much as our team has!

Whole Brain Child

I found this book to be both fascinating and helpful.  I learned a lot more about the different parts of the brain and how they impact children’s behavior and overall development.  The book broke down how the left hemisphere of the brain rules logic while the right side of the brain rules emotion.  It’s important for children to find a balance between using these different parts of their mind.  I also learned about the idea of the “upstairs” and “downstairs” brain and how children’s upstairs brains are not fully formed until they reach their 20’s.  Parents often react to the downstairs brain when it is important to nurture the upstairs brain through connection and communication.  The whole brain child, if appropriately encouraged, is explorative and creative in life and is able to develop his or her inner self.   Meanwhile, the “no brain” child is reactive and fearful.  Caregivers need to harness the tools necessary to encourage the whole brain child in order to promote healthy overall development of self and mind.

 

No-Drama Discipline

The underlying theme of this book is all about connection between caregivers and children.  I love the idea that the root of discipline breaks down to learning rather than punishment.  I learned that it’s vital to connect with children to shift from “reactivity to receptivity”.  To me this means that children are able to embrace the “why” of a given limit enforced by a parent instead of receiving redirection without a rationale.  The reason behind a child’s behavior is so important to address because it helps them advocate for themselves and develop their own voice.

I also enjoyed learning about how caregivers are encouraged to take a step back from overtalking to their children when different issues arise.  When a child is in need of redirecting, depending on their developmental stage they will likely tune you out if you overly explain your reasons for limiting screen time or demanding an earlier bedtime.  It’s also so necessary to ensure that children are calm before any kind of redirection takes place.  Consistency yet not rigidity as a caregiver ensures that you can take a realistic approach to everyday “discipline” situations that arise.

 

The Yes Brain

This book continues the theme of connection that is emphasized in No-Drama Discipline.  I love how the authors discuss the power of free play and how this has become a lost art in our modern culture and society.  The “Yes Brain” underlines a child’s ability to have an inner world and play is one crucial way to accomplish this.  It is hard to measure a child’s imagination but finding a balance of different types of brain activity will support the Yes Brain.  I also enjoyed the book’s discussion of Growth Mindset and the power of yet.  This consistently promotes children’s resiliency and encourages them to take risks in order to grow internal strength and flexibility.  

I love how this book provides concrete suggestions for developing a Yes Brain.  Children need enough sleep, for example, in order to positively function.  They also discuss that parents serve what the authors refer to as a “healthy mind platter” in which there are different times of brain work, from down time to focus time.  It’s also crucial to balance the family’s schedule so that children have a healthy balance of activity and that their inner world/imagination is being nourished.  I like the strategy of the “4 S’s” to provide to children: Safe, Seen, Soothed, and Secure.  

Embracing Love and Logic, A Parenting Strategy

Posted on by Susie Munsey

 

 

Embracing Love and Logic, A Parenting Strategy

By Elizabeth Scott 

 

            Parents these days are facing more challenges than ever before.  Children are being formally assessed and tested in school more often and from a younger age, with greater academic demands placed upon them.  Children as young as preschool age are asked to complete homework in order to prepare for the rigor of subsequent school grades.  In addition, so many children these days are involved in so many activities outside of school that they are drained of time, energy, and emotional resources.  They have little time for free time or down time.  All of these obstacles make it difficult for children to foster a strong sense of inner self as well as develop resiliency and flexibility.  Parents are faced with the need for tools to engage with their children in a trusting way while still maintaining a sense of structure and balance.

            The Love and Logic Solution is an ideal way to achieve this happy medium because it promotes empathy, love and understanding within a concrete framework.  Children are given choices and adults are able to use discipline as a teaching tool rather than a punishment.  Children learn how to problem solve and find their own voice.

            The Love and Logic Solution encourages parents to embrace one particular phrase that can become their repeated anthem.  These choice words like “this is so hard” allows children to be heard and seen, reinforcing their feelings and frustrations.  In addition, the way parents choose to speak to their children can be slightly altered using a love and logic technique in order to practice more open and productive communication.  For example, instead of making demands like ordering a child to clean their room, a parent can simply let the child know that they are welcome to join the rest of the family once their room is clean, maybe for a treat like dessert.  Small changes add up to bigger changes when it comes to the way language is conveyed and communicated.

            Ultimately parents desire for their children to grow into confident, happy, independent adults who have life skills.  This goal does not happen overnight but instead grows through years of practice and nourishment of the inner self.  The Love and Logic Solution requires a consistent approach on the part of parents but can have long-lasting benefits for children and families. 

To learn more about applying Love and Logic in your home, reach out to our clinicians or sign up for our waitlist.

No-Drama Discipline: Proactivity Vs. Reactivity: Emotional Regulation Begins with the Parent

Posted on by Susie Munsey

 

 

The authors of Whole-Brain Child, Siegel M.D. and Bryson Ph.D., bring us more words of wisdom when it comes to raising children as peacefully as possible and teaching them to be well-regulated human beings. They suggest a proactive rather than reactive approach to our children when we see them heading down an emotionally destructive path. Seigel and Bryson tell us that the secret to proactivity is connection. When parents see their children engaging in behaviors that they know will end poorly (ex: yelling, acting aggressively, stomping, aggressive words, etc.), it is their job to intervene. However, the thing to be aware of, as parents, is that some can have a tendency to jump in with their own reactive emotions in those moments. 

You are a model to your children. Your reactions show your kids how they should be handling their emotions, so you need to enter the situation with a calm frame of mind. Your approach will be mirrored by your children.  If you meet their anger with anger, it results in escalation.  They need you to teach and guide from a place of empathy and love.  Entering a situation with a calm frame of mind can be hard to do when you hear a raucous coming from the other room or see your kids stomping around the house using upsetting words and tones. You may want to yell, to tell your kids to settle down, or tell them to go to their room until they calm down, etc. But in order to teach your children to be less reactive, you need to show them how.

In a No-Drama Discipline approach, the best way to do that is by connecting with them rather than jumping straight into discipline. Take a moment to step back, get on their level, listen to them, hold them, help them to feel understood, seen, “felt”. When emotions run high it’s hard to think logically and listen to a lecture or a lesson. They can’t hear you when they’re in that frame of mind (none of us can when we are in that state), and then you may get frustrated when they seem to not listen. When you give them your time and your emotional connection, they become less defensive and more calm. When they are ready to hear what you have to say, you can then have an open conversation about what happened and how the situation can be improved in the future. This is where as a parent you have a window of opportunity to influence your child and teach them valuable lessons on relationships and healthy emotional regulation skills. Let them share their version of the story. Ask them for solution suggestions and create a plan together. Give them a space to feel heard and validated in their emotions, even if their behaviors were poorly chosen. It’s the behavior, not the child that’s the problem (and they’re allowed to have emotions). Allowing your children the time to feel that connection and regulate themselves before a full-on tantrum starts can greatly impact how the situation ends. 

Being proactive versus reactive can stop the fight before it starts, and encourage personal growth and strengthen family relationships. Even if you are a few moments too late, using this connection approach can lessen the impact of negative consequences. A talk can be much more effective than a general time-out, where they spend the whole time thinking about how “mean” you are versus what they did to end up there. At its core, discipline is not about punishment but about teaching our child what they need to get through the ups and downs of life. Being proactive may not be the only tool in our parenting tool belt that we need, but it is a solid foundation for building discipline practices in the family. We can never fully predict what responses we will get. But we can put forth the effort and let our kiddos know that we are there for them unconditionally, not just when they are happy.

Written by Emily Brown

 

Three Parenting Steps to Manage Difficult Behaviors

Posted on by Susie Munsey

 

 

 

Let’s run this scenario. You are sitting down relaxing by the pool and enjoying your summer as your child enjoys a picnic with their cousins. All of a sudden you hear screaming and sounds of hitting coming from your child. You begin to get upset and assume you already know what is happening when your child comes to you shouting and crying. You begin to tense up because you are seeing that not only was there screaming and hitting involved, but the picnic lunch you made for your child and their cousins is all over the grass (the grass that you mowed and cleaned yesterday). There is peanut butter and jelly all over the place, sticky juice is all over the picnic blanket, and there is a mess of crushed chips on the floor. PURE CHAOS! Ladies and gentlemen, As  Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson describe in “No-Drama Discipline”, please cue the jaws theme song. Let’s take a moment to reflect, do we really need to have that soundtrack playing or can we turn it down to assess the situation?

Parents, it is so common that we often assume we know and approach a situation in a one-size fits all manner, but what if we approached each situation in a different and a less fear-based manner? In, “No-Drama Discipline”, Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson discuss 3 important components in order to muffle or silence the shark music. The first component includes reflection. We are all human, and we get upset. This is completely normal. We want to make sure we acknowledge our feelings, and also reflect on what we know about the situation.  We then want to use response flexibility. What does response flexibility mean? It means being intentional and understanding why the situation may have happened. You might make a mental note of the scene itself and possible emotions that may have played a part in the situation. Instead of bringing out your shark teeth and chasing the “bate”, we need to chase the why’s. Curiosity, especially when not knowing what actually happened, is the ideal route to take. When we do this, we can now move on to the 3rd component. This would be connecting with your child during a distressing moment.

Let’s replay the scene above using the 3 components described by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson. Cue the play back: You are sitting down relaxing by the pool and enjoying your summer as your child enjoys a picnic with their cousins. All of a sudden you hear screaming and sounds of hitting coming from your child. You look over in their direction and begin to notice a few things. There was hitting, throwing, and screaming involved from your child. The picnic lunch you made for your child and their cousins is all over the grass (the grass that you mowed and cleaned yesterday). There is peanut butter and jelly all over the place, sticky juice is all over the picnic blanket, and there is a mess of crushed chips on the floor. PAUSE. You take a moment to acknowledge the scene and the mess. You allow yourself to feel angry and take a deep breath. You begin to wonder and become curious why your child is experiencing such distress. Upon assessing the scene, you see 3 cousins laughing and pointing to your child. And you begin to see your child is feeling upset but are not sure why. You walk over calmly to your child, get on one knee and say, “my, this is quite a mess. I see you are upset. May I give you a hug?” Your child reaches over to you and gives you a great big hug. Your child later tells you that they felt excluded and reacted by throwing, screaming and hitting. You are now connecting with your child. You listen to them and acknowledge their feelings. After, you might problem solve with them or explore alternative behaviors without shaming them. You have bonded with them and have made them feel safe and heard. You then pick up the mess together. Connecting is so important. We do not want to turn away from chaos, but we want the end goal to be connection. Parents, this is a scenario, and your real-life situation may perhaps be greatly different. We encourage you to attempt this approach. Remember parents, it is not an easy journey, but you’ve got this! 

Written by Celina Peña, LAC